Obedience in Marriage, Part 1

It’s been a while since I’ve updated the blog.  Over the next few days I’ll be posting some updates taken from the messages I delivered last month at The Embassy from 1 Peter 3:1-7 titled, “The Challenge of Obedience for Wives” and “The Challenge of Obedience for Husbands”.  

1Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 3Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. 5For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.

7Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

1 Peter 3:1-7

In verses 1-2 of chapter 3, Peter wrote, “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.”  In our post-modern culture this sounds terrible.  And I mean I could be sued or fired from a job in America for sexual discrimination terrible.

So before we go any further I think we need to establish a few things, beginning with the fact that we always read passages in the Bible in their context.  That means we examine a passage in light of the passages that precede and follow, in light of the book of the Bible in which they are found, and in light of other teachings in the whole Bible on that topic.  We also have to do some work to understand the culture of the audience that the letter was originally written to. 

First, we need to recognize that Peter doesn’t just randomly tell wives to submit to their husbands.  This passage is part of an extended passage on submission to God-ordained institutions and authorities.  In the last part of chapter 2 Peter wrote that believers are to submit to and honor governmental authorities, even when they do not deserve it.  Immediately following that he told us to submit to and honor our bosses even when they do not treat us well.  He then gave the example of Jesus entrusting Himself to God rather than fighting back when He was treated unjustly by the religious and political authorities of His day.  The passages that follow the one we’re looking at tonight deal with husbands’ responsibilities towards their wives and how all believers should live in relation to other people.  So this passage is part of a larger passage dealing with how we are to conduct ourselves as Christians surrounded by unbelievers in the various relationships we have and institutions within which we operate.

Second, we need to examine what the whole Bible has to say about men and women.   Obviously we won’t look at every single passage, but let’s go back to the beginning.  Genesis 1:26-27.

26Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.”

27So God created man in his own image,
in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created them..

Men and women are both created in the image of God.  The characteristics that are distinctively male are reflections of the character of God.  The characteristics that are distinctively female are reflections of the character of God.  Men and women are of equal importance to God and have equal value to God.  The Christian faith is open to both men and women.  Men and women can both be baptized.  Men and women both receive spiritual gifts and are called to serve God in making disciples.  Men are in no way superior to women.  Ladies, you are not inferior to men.

Why, then, does Peter tell women to submit to their own husbands?  Why does Paul say the same thing in other places in the New Testament?  He teaches this because we know from Scripture that while men and women are equal in personhood, equal as image-bearers of God, equal in value, that God created us with some very obvious differences and created us to fulfill different roles.  There is an authority structure in place, and this too reflects God’s nature.

Male headship in marriage and in the church are a reflection of the Trinitarian nature of God.  Just as God the Father, God the Son, and God the Spirit are equally God, and only one God, they have different roles.  Jesus, God the Son, is equal to God the Father in “Godhood”, but willingly submits to the leadership and direction of God the Father. 

So when Peter tells wives to submit to their husbands he is not telling them they are inferior, that they are incapable, that they are less intelligent, or that they are lesser people.  He is telling them to be like Jesus.  Jesus set the example for both wives in submission and husbands in sacrificial servant leadership.  So, submission is not about a wife and her husband as much as it about a wife and Jesus.  Jesus willingly set aside his rights as God the Son and even his abilities in order to accomplish the work of salvation for those who believe (Philippians 2:5-11).  Submission to her own husband's leadership is part of a married woman’s sanctification (the lifelong process of becoming more like Jesus).  

Notice though that Peter tells wives to submit to their own husbands.  Women are not commanded to submit to men, wives are commanded to submit to their own husbands.  This passage, nor any other in Scripture, forbids women from holding leadership positions in the workplace or government.  Church leadership is a little different as the Bible indicates that the elders of the church and the lead pastors should be male, but this again is not because women are incapable of leading the church or incapable of teaching and preaching.  The call for Christian men is to be the spiritual leaders of their homes and their churches.  The call for Christian women is to honor and affirm male leadership in the church and in their marriage. 

But what is submission?  What does it look like practically in a marriage?  I’ll share a list from John Piper on what submission is and is not without adding any commentary of my own.

Submission is not:

• Agreeing with everything your husband says
• Leaving your brain or will at the wedding altar
• Avoiding every effort to change a husband who is in sin
• Putting the will of the husband before the will of Christ (following a husband into sin)
• Getting your personal, spiritual strength through the husband
• Acted on out of fear

Submission is:

• The divine calling of a wife to honor and affirm her husband’s leadership and help carry it through according to her gifts
• A disposition and an inclination to follow the husband’s lead

I’ll stop here today and pick up with the second part of verses 1-2 in the next post.  I’ve only briefly touched on a complex and debated issue so I’ll finish with a few book recommendations for further reading on these issues:

Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood by John Piper and Wayne Grudem

This Momentary Marriage by John Piper

God, Marriage, and Family by Andreas J. Kostenberger

The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller (I’ve yet to read this one, but based on what I know of Tim Keller and having heard his teaching on this subject I don’t have any reservations about listing it here.)